


The Election, as seen from Torchwood Cardiff.

by elisi



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-26
Updated: 2009-11-26
Packaged: 2017-10-03 18:47:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elisi/pseuds/elisi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Torchwood Three discuss the upcoming US election... (2008)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Election, as seen from Torchwood Cardiff.

It was a very slow day on the rift, so when the enticing smell of pizza wafted through the Hub, it immediately caused Jack to push aside his paperwork and head in the direction of the sofa.

There he found Gwen and Ianto, glumly helping themselves to pizza slices as they watched the lunchtime news being broadcast on the screens opposite.

"Will this election never end?" Gwen sighed, before biting into her meat feast.

Ianto shrugged. "Only a week left now."

"I suppose... Feels like forever, though. And why do they insist on reporting every detail over _here_? With this level of coverage, we should at least be able to vote also."

Jack grabbed some ham and pineapple, praying that they wouldn't for the millionth time ask him who was going to win. His oft-repeated 'The 21st Century is when everything changes' was suddenly a liability. A distraction was needed...

"Well, to pass the time we could play 'Cliff, Shag or Marry'..."

Ianto's eyes narrowed. "With... the candidates?"

Jack grinned. "Exactly! Make you view the whole thing from a new perspective!"

"Okay..." Ianto's face was carefully neutral, but Jack could tell that he was beginning to see the possibilities.

"Very well," the younger man decided. "Cliff Palin, shag Obama, marry Michelle."

Jack's smirk deepened. "That was astonishingly quick - have you by any chance given this some prior thought?"

Ianto shrugged casually. "What's there to think about?"

Gwen, who'd be eating silently, finally chipped in. "But - does Michelle count?"

There came a slightly offended look on Ianto's face. "She'll hopefully be First Lady soon, _of course_ she counts. Also she's hotter than any of the others!"

Jack raised an eyebrow, but Ianto looked back phlegmatically.

"I've got a type, and I'm sticking to it!"

Gwen smiled, her eyes dancing. "So how do you explain...?" She nodded towards Jack.

Ianto chuckled, eyes drifting over Jack as though carefully considering the problem.

"Pheromones."

Jack laughed, catching Ianto's eyes, but thought it better not to expand on the subject.

"OK! Let's hear yours Gwen!"

"Umm... cliff Palin, obviously." She thought for a moment, then carefully continued. "Shag Todd and marry Obama."

Jack tilted his head. "I'm getting some serious anti-Palin vibes here."

Ianto shrugged, helping himself to more pizza. "According to her beliefs I am headed straight for hell, so..."

"What's that got to do with anything? _I'd_ shag her!" Jack countered.

Gwen's eyes grew. "Seriously?"

"She's hot!" he shot back. Were these people blind?

"But..." Gwen had apparently run out of words, so Ianto stepped in.

"He _is_ immortal."

"I suppose..." Gwen still didn't look convinced.

"Hey - I've met a lot scarier than her. Not often, but it's happened. Also I'd have her eating out of my hand in no time - _trust_ me." He winked at them and swallowed the last piece of his pizza, but then a thought occurred to him.

"You know, we ought to recruit her."

"What?" They both looked equally shocked, which was not something he often saw and he took a moment to savour the experience.

"Think about it. Give her a rift activity locator and a loaded machine gun, and we could all retire."

"He... has a point." Ianto's voice was hesitant, but impressed. Jack smiled triumphantly.

"She has talent - it's just directed in the wrong direction at the moment!"

Gwen rolled her eyes. "Fine. Who'd you marry?"

"I would marry... oh, that's easy. Cindy McCain."

_"Really?"_ Gwen was doing the wide-eyed thing again. Jack sighed.

"She has been incredibly supportive and devoted throughout, no matter what. I admire that kind of loyalty. And also her oatmeal butterscotch biscuits came top in that national cookie contest they use in America for predicting the winner of the election!"

Gwen blinked. "So... what you want from a wife is devotion and cookies?"

"Anything wrong with that?"

Ianto, having finished his meal, removed his napkin and carefully cleaned his hands, then spoke, voice determined. "I am _not_ baking you biscuits."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "Shame - you'd look great in a pinny!"

Ianto shot him a look of mute mutiny before turning to Gwen.

"It's going to be a long week..." he said tiredly, and Gwen nodded. Then suddenly she turned her head.

"Wait! Jack - who would you cliff?"

"Who do you think? Obama!"

Gwen's mouth turned into a perfect o, which was very amusing, considering.

"_Obama_? But why?"

"He's too charismatic. I... have a problem with charismatic politicians. Actually..."

He'd been meaning to do it for a while, and there was no time like the present. Excusing himself he left the others, walked to his office and picked up the phone, swiftly dialling the number.

"Martha - do you have a minute?"

"Sure Jack, what's the problem?" Such a lovely voice - he hoped this Tom of hers appreciated it. He shifted in his chair.

"Not a problem really, just... has UNIT checked all the presidential candidates?"

There was a deep sigh. "If this is about Sarah Palin..."

"No no - it's about Obama..."

"Huh?"

"Just... could you get hold of his medical records maybe? Make sure he's not... you know... got two heartbeats or anything."

"_Jack_..." Oh the tone of her voice - she was just saying his name, but managed to convey a million unspoken things, everything they'd lived through, the burden of memory they now helped each other carry.

"I made triple sure that they were all checked out, OK? We know what to look for!"

"Even a fob watch?"

There was a pause, then Martha relented. "Fine. I'll have everything fine combed. You know-" a certain drollness entered her voice, "it could be that he's from Krypton, like he said, and has been sent here to bring peace."

Jack's head flew up. "He said that?"

Martha did a funny sort of growl. "It was a _joke_! In that after dinner speech he did. Jack, will you _please_ relax! Or... do you know something I don't, Mr Time Agent?"

He smiled wryly. "No I don't. I... I just think Obama is too charismatic!"

There was a slight pause, then Martha replied, voice smiling.

"You know what? _I_ think you're jealous. Although I can't work out if it's because you'll never get Obama yourself, or if it's the fact that right now half the world fancies the pants off him, and you want to be in his place!"

Jack's mouth fell open, and then his eyes narrowed. "Hey! For that I won't tell you the result. Although... if you make me cookies I might change my mind."

"Cookies?"

"Never mind. I ought to go - work to do and all that. But get him checked out, please?"

"I already said I would. Sometimes you are as peculiar as the Doctor, you know!"

He chuckled at that. "I'll take that as a compliment. Bye Martha."

"Good bye Jack."

For a moment he sat still, staring into the distance. No one ever made him cookies...

Returning to Gwen and Ianto he found them busy hacking into government files, having decided that they wanted to know who shot JFK.

Jack smiled to himself and left them to it. If they wanted the inside scoop on _that_ story there would have to be more than biscuits involved.


End file.
